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She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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