Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
