I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Is it because I queefed?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
