dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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