what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
