Pregnant stripper...not hot.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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