connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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