a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize