Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
