i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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