And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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