I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
