Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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