you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
