When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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