There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
