So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
