Cold hands, warm shart.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
