Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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