The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize