I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
