you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
