you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
