So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
