it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
