when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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