Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
