I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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