If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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