Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
