a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Houston, we have a blender
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
