looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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