The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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