I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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