I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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