three words: i give head
three words: not that well
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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