I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
