i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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