Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
