Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
