The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
