So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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