Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
