remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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