there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
