i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize