I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
