oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
