Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
