I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
