I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize