Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
