Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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