how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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