Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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