hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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