Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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