Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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