We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize