Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
