this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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