Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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