i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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