Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
