we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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