You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Are we still banned from the library?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
