two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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