This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize