I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Every concussion has its silver lining
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I want a musical about memes.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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