i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
